seeking

Resolutions

Every year I’ve thrown together a list of resolutions, and I meet about half of them. That’s not saying much though, because the ones I meet are almost always academic ones (haha…). Nevertheless, the season calls for a new slew of “I Wills” that hopefully translate into “I Dids.” More than anything, identifying, articulating, and giving form to them does wonders in helping me to actually accomplish things and realize what changes I need to undergo.

Sorry that these are a little bit late - I just returned to Princeton, and of course, instead of preparing for finals, I must write these up first. They’re simple and straightforward, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Instead of coming up with 20 and fulfilling 10, I’m going to put up 5 and try and fulfill all of them.

Give my all in my classes - I spent all of high school giving much less than 100%. If I don’t do it now, when will I ever? I can do better.

Work out - I’m tired of being scrawny and out of shape. Two birds with one stone.

Make an effort to be happy at Princeton - I hope this will happen naturally, but positivity is a powerful thing.

Begin to figure out where I’m going - In this next year, I hope to gain a better picture of many things. Where my strengths and passions lie. Where to focus my energy. What subjects to study. What careers to consider.

Love - No explanation needed.

Jealousy

You’d think that after a year away from all this, I’d be done and over with the college admissions hype. But now that it’s that time of the year, with early admissions results coming out, I still find myself very much interested in who got in where and whatnot. I’m curious to see where my high school friends are going, of course, but I’m starting to suspect there’s a bigger reason behind the interest I’ve taken in these decisions.

As I hear about people getting into Stanford, Penn, MIT, etc, I detect a slight hint of envy in the back of my mind. After talking to people about it, I’ve been able to pull that feeling out from hiding and articulate it into words. These decisions are dictating the futures of these kids - especially for those who have ED’d somewhere, their next four years have effectively been sealed and decided. And I realize the reason I look on with envy is because they’re not aware of it - yes, they’re happy and there’s a superficial elation to four years’ labor coming to fruition, but there’s a more profound consequence of a “YES” from a college. Your next path has been set, and you’re set to follow it out now.

And in comparison, I look at the hand I’ve been dealt. I know I should be thankful, and that I’m infinitely lucky to be at Princeton. But it’s really one of those things you don’t really know about until you’ve been there. A number of my friends there are unhappy with Princeton and wish they were elsewhere. It’s a common theme - people not having any choice but to go to Princeton because of financial aid / prestige. And in the end, they’re still unhappy. These aren’t freshmen - they’re upperclassmen who still wish they were somewhere else. I honestly hope I am not destined to follow that same path, but in some ways, I feel like it’s inevitable.

So with that premonition tucked away in the back of my mind, it’s hard not to be envious of high school friends getting into colleges I wish I could have attended. And don’t get me wrong - it’s not even because they’re top schools. I know I would be so much happier in the UC system too.

I guess I just have to make the most out of it, huh? I don’t want to be a downer or sound emo or whatnot, because that’s not the kind of person I am. I endure until things get better. These are just the thoughts circling around in my head at the moment.

On a much lighter note, I’m back in California, where for some reason it is still rather cold. At the same time, I’m glad to be back with Jen and with my friends in the city I made 18 years worth of memories in. This is a much-needed respite from the grind at Princeton. With the holidays coming and so much time to spend with loved ones, I hope I can go back rejuvenated and ready to rock those finals, because right now, I’m not.

Ouch

28% on my calc quiz.

I believe this is a first!

Change

The other day I was looking at photos of myself on facebook, and a strong feeling of surrealness hit me. I didn’t notice it at first, but I really didn’t recognize those pictures as pictures of me. I felt like I was looking at someone else, and that those memories and days spent in high school were not of my own life.

It’s sad, this feeling of complete unattachment. It may be that my physical appearance has changed in so short a time, but that doesn’t account for the emotional estrangement that has developed. I can’t quite pin down what that change is, nor can I determine whether it was for the better. The point is, I’ve become a different person without realizing it, and now that I’m here, I can’t go back.

Odds are, you’ve changed too.

It’s funny how human perception holds the self as a static entity, a fixed pillar around which we construct our worldview. All observations require a frame of reference, and the self constitutes a large portion of that frame. Life is fluid, and its currents are quick and unpredictable. The reason we can register change is because we have some perception of how things were, and we believe that we have stayed the same through it all.

We think we’re objective observers, but we’re not. What little biases and nuances have slowly crept into who we are? How have you changed from yesterday, from a week ago, from a month ago? It’s scary. We’re frogs in boiling water.

Will we jump out in time? Do we even want to jump out?